I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
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I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.