🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
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Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
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SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.