“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
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I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
how to market bottled water to dads