Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
You Might Also Like
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Effort made
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.