[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
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Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.