Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
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angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.