When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.