I want to meet the individual who made this
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him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Hell yeah 👍
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Me, flirting😏
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.