I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.