Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
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Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo