Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
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Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.