I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
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[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again