[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
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my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.