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ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
moms in horror movies
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.