Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
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[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Admin smashed it 😂