Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
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When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.