How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
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[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Can Happiness buy money?
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.