I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
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hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.