*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
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ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day