They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
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Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
sleeping beauty
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.