If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
You Might Also Like
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
went fishing caught a bass
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore