Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
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Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Bed should get ready for ME
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?