Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
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I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function