mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
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wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
My dog after a walk in the woods.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “