You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
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A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.