My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
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[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”