My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
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How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.