*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
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CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.