Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
You Might Also Like
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.