“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
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Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines