People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
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I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin