McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
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Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
just left a huge legacy in there
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.