me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
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Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.