doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
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If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out