My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
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I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Wake me when AI does housework
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Hey i am sexy to you now
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what