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can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…