[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
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you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I’ll be mad as hell!
Wasps: bees, but not helping
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”