I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
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ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”