Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
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Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Somebody’s lying.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”