You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
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Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?