I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
You Might Also Like
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.