3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
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Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything