No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
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Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB