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I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”