I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
You Might Also Like
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?