[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
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Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.