*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
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My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.