Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
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Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
no refunds
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
forgive me baja for i have blast
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?