HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
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*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl