My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
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To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”